


Helping Hand

by momentsintimex



Series: Atmosphere [2]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Gen, because they're a v underrated friendship, but i don't really think you need to read that to read this, just a little connor/alana fic, kind of goes along with Atmosphere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 12:01:11
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13880439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momentsintimex/pseuds/momentsintimex
Summary: Alana offers to help Connor with makeup Chemistry homework after a week out of school.Connor realizes that maybe there are people closer to him that know how he feels.--side one-shot to Atmosphere.





	Helping Hand

**Author's Note:**

> goes along with Atmosphere, but you don't necessarily need to read that to understand this little one-shot :)

Alana could tell that Connor was completely lost when it came to what they were learning in Chemistry.

He had missed over a week of school after being sick and a string of figuring out what medications were going to work best for him after a downslide, and although in the grand scheme of things there wasn’t too much that he had missed because they had been doing a lab he was excused from, it was enough to make Connor feel like his head was going to fall off just trying to catch up.

Alana notices how overwhelmed he is, and when the class picks back up with group work and she instinctively turns to Connor, she gives him a small smile. “We could hang out after school and I could help you with make-up work if you wanted? I have all of the answers, and it may help you feel less lost on everything we’re doing now,” She offers.

She’s surprised to see Connor look relieved.

“You can come over today after school,” He says, shoving his phone into his pocket after Alana assumes he asked his mom. “We can work on it and then you and Zoe can hang out or whatever,” He shrugs, and Alana nods eagerly.

They work on the questions in front of them before they end up wasting anymore time.

Alana had always loved going to the Murphy’s house. Before she had even become friends with them she had always admired Zoe from afar, she thinks. When you looked at them in passing they had seemed like the perfect family.

Everyone knew they had money. Zoe and Connor never had to worry about finances or if they were going to be able to afford something, and while Alana was much of the same, she knew it was a different kind of wealth.

But just as every family hides secrets, there’s a facade that was put up by the family, the foundation slowly cracking as they entered high school. Connor had changed so drastically, and while there were moments of that boy who loved to crack jokes at inappropriate times during classes, for the most part he had begun lashing out at anyone who even looked at him the wrong way, asking them why they stared at him like a freak and why they couldn’t just leave him alone.

Becoming friends with Zoe was a lot more of a coincidence, but a blessing nonetheless. Zoe had been the sister who was trying to hold it all together, and in so many ways Alana wonders if the organization they started is what kept her sane in the roughest of times. Zoe had never been one who liked to talk about the bad days or show off everything that was happening with her brother, but Alana was always there, ready to talk through it with her if she ever needed.

The more she got to know Connor in the brief glimpses she had with him when she’d be over at the Murphy’s or now that he was back in school, the more similarities she saw between she and her. She knew that he was having a rough time, but in so many ways she felt like she could relate to him.

Mrs. Murphy had always welcomed her with a smile into their home, and today is no different. She toes off her shoes at the front door just next to Connor and Zoe’s, pulling her backpack further on her shoulders.

“Connor is just upstairs getting his books and things that he needs,” Cynthia explains, leading Alana into the kitchen. “I can’t thank you enough for taking time out of your day to help Connor catch up on this work. I’ve been so worried he’s going to get overwhelmed with all the work and we were going to have to worry about that as well.”

Alana nods, standing at the island as she thanks her for the water she gives her. “If there’s any other class I could help him with I’d be more than willing. We just sit with each other in Chemistry and I could tell his head was spinning a little,” She smiles, Cynthia nodding.

Before she can say anything Connor appears in the kitchen with his books under his arm, a small smile on his face. “Hey,” He says, Alana returning the gesture as she looks back at him. “I thought maybe we could work in the living room?” He offers, watching Alana nod as she grabs her water and follows him into the other room.

She sits down on the sofa with Connor next to her, spreading his things out across the coffee table. “I have a lot of makeup work to do, I’m sorry,” He mumbles, but Alana just shakes her head.

She didn’t think he’d apologize.

“We can work through it bit by bit,” She says, reaching into her bag and grabbing her own notebook. “Did she give you a due date for the packet?”

Connor shrugs. “Think trying to kill myself is enough to get me extensions on any packet of makeup work she gives me.”

Alana cringes.

Connor frowns. “Sorry, I forget sometimes that things like those aren’t really appropriate to say?”

“It’s okay,” Alana promises, but she still feels slightly uneasy at how _easy_ it was for Connor to just joke about killing himself.

Connor’s shoulders sag, and he leans forward to grab the packet.

They work in hushed whispers mostly, and Alana just lets Connor see most of her worksheets as an explanation. Connor’s almost jealous at how organized her notes are, how her handwriting is perfect and there are barely any doodles in the corners of the pages.

He thinks about asking her if she rewrites these when she goes home every night, but. He’s already made her uncomfortable once. He doesn’t really want to do it again.

“You’re a lifesaver, you know,” He mumbles as he flips the notebook, feverishly writing down the notes so he can fill out his own worksheets. “I probably would’ve had a mental breakdown and been admitted to the hospital again if I had to figure out how to do this all on my own.”

Alana’s silent. Connor curses under his breath.

“Fuck, that’s twice now,” He says, shaking his head as he tucks a piece of hair behind his ear. “I’m sorry.”

“’s okay,” Alana mumbles, folding her hands together on her lap.

There’s a pause in the room, one that Alana wants to fill so badly with words or conversation or… _anything_. But it all feels awkward and forced and she really doesn’t know what to say to him that won’t make this feel any worse than it already does.

“How are you so comfortable with just talking about suicide and being in the hospital? Like that’s a normal thing to talk about?”

Connor freezes. His pen momentarily pauses on the page, and he closes his eyes to take a deep breath. “I really didn’t mean to offend you,” He begins, turning his head to look at her. “It’s just…teasing about it or making light jokes like that is how I cope with it. You’re not the only one annoyed by it, my mom always yells at me when I say she should just throw me back in the hospital and Zoe gets annoyed every single time.”

Alana nods, but it doesn’t really explain why he does it so much. She wants to ask him if it’s a new habit or if he’s always done this, but she doesn’t feel like it’s the right time to ask.

“I guess I've just gotten so used to the fact that I’ve wanted to die for so long that maybe if I make a joke about it it’ll make it easier?” He says, turning to look at Alana once he finishes a worksheet. She seemed startled by his voice, but encourages him to go on anyway. “Things are better, obviously, I mean minus the setback and the new dosages and things, but like, I’ve been _s_. Which isn’t really something I’m used to.”

“You deserve to be happy,” Alana sighs, but that seems to make Connor tense up and now she’s the one apologizing. “I don’t mean that in the sense that you have to like be happy all the time, but like, you deserve to be able to have a good time doing things and smile at how things are going, you know? Once you begin finding enjoyment in things again life gets a lot better,” She argues, and Connor nods.

He doesn’t know what else to say.

So the two of them fall back into silence, and Connor continues scribbling in answers on his worksheets in an effort to get them done faster. Alana can hear Zoe practicing her guitar in the distance, but Connor doesn’t draw attention to it and so she doesn’t ask any questions.

Which. Is a lot harder than she thought it was going to be.

“When you said you understood how I felt,” Connor begins, sucking in a deep breath as he flips to another worksheet. “Did you really mean it? Or was that some sort of con to get me to just feel better on my first day back.”

Alana can’t help but laugh. She knows it’s inappropriate given the question she just asked him.

She shakes her head, leaning back against the couch cushions. “I meant it,” She says quietly, her hair tie twisting around her wrist. “When we first started middle school I just felt so…so _alone_. And I didn’t really have many friends and I just, I didn’t know how to deal with everything that was bubbling up inside me. It was so scary, and I started having panic attacks that my grades were slipping and nothing I would do would bring them back up.” She takes a deep breath.

Connor nods.

He doesn’t know what to say.

“Eventually my parents found me having a panic attack in my room after I had 4 tests and a pile of homework that I had to makeup because I couldn’t just force myself to do it on the normal due date, and they pulled me out of the harder classes and took me to a therapist to talk about all my…issues.”

“You’re lucky you had parents who cared.”

Alana frowns.

Connor doesn’t notice.

“Your mom…she seems to care about you and getting you better?”

Connor half-smiles, still working on the worksheets as he shrugs. “Sure, now she does,” He says, but pauses after. “I mean, I guess she always did in a way. She was the one who convinced my dad I needed to see a therapist and I should probably be on medications.”

“Your dad didn’t think that?”

Connor shakes his head. “He thought I was doing it all for attention.”

Alana has the urge to cry.

“I’m sure Zoe has told you how awful I was to her. I still kind of am, I guess. But she and I are getting better, so like, it can’t all be that bad. And my parents finally agreed that letting me be on meds and see a therapist a few times a week for now is a good thing, and so maybe things are finally getting better. But it took until the _third attemp_ t. Three suicide attempts before my dad finally agreed.”

There’s a pause. Alana opens her mouth to say something, but Connor cuts her off.

“I mean, there are days where I wonder if my dad only agreed to it because I was under psychiatric hold in a hospital and the doctors and therapists basically insisted that it needed to happen to see me get better in any form. And this was after he had already reluctantly agreed to a therapist he insisted didn’t work and then shipped me off to rehab the second time.”

Alana nods. “I get that,” She says quietly, folding her hands together in her lap. “I mean I _don’t_ get the suicide attempts part, because I’ve never really gotten to the point where I acted on any thoughts I’ve had. But like, I get the whole parents not believing in you thing, because sometimes I wonder if my parents just think that therapy doesn’t help anymore.”

Connor nods. He continues working on his packets, cracking his knuckles. Alana moves to work on her own homework, and for a moment things just feel normal. They feel like Connor and Alana were friends who were doing homework together, and they weren’t just talking about how they have both wanted to die before.

“Zoe’s really lucky to have someone like you in her life,” Connor says, looking over at Alana. “Like, you’re so nice? And you’re so patient. Most kids give up with me by now,” Connor smiles, and Alana nods. “I just…she deserves to have really good friends, and she seems to be really close with you.”

Alana nods, unsure of what to say. “Zoe’s really nice. She’s kind of been really nice to have around this year. She’s kind of like the first friend that I’ve had in a long time?” She says quietly, and Connor nods.

Because he gets it.

He doesn’t really have friends, or at least friends that aren’t Zoe’s.

They fall back into a comfortable silence, and by some miracle Connor manages to finish the packet, putting it back in his folder and handing Alana her notes back. “You have no idea how much you just saved my life by helping me with all of this. Seriously, thank you for helping me,” He says, Alana nodding as she begins putting her things away.

“If you ever get overwhelmed with those or like with any other class I would be more than willing to help you! You can just let me know,” She says, zipping up her backpack.

Connor smiles at her, and for a moment Alana wonders if everything is just…exactly what he wanted. That her reaching out to him was everything he had wanted for years.

“Zoe’s upstairs in her room. I’m sure you can just go up and knock, she knows you’re here and I’m pretty sure she knows you guys were gonna hang out or whatever,” Connor shrugs, and Alana nods as if to say that he’s right.

She turns on her heels and walks upstairs without another word, and quietly Connor takes his things upstairs, returning back to the kitchen to sit with his mom and watch her make dinner, as if that was something he had always done.

Which. He definitely hasn’t.

But he liked having Alana’s company on an afternoon where he was having a good day for the first time in what feels like weeks, and so maybe being with his mom will keep that going.

Zoe walks into the kitchen, putting her cup in the sink and glancing at her brother while she got she and Alana snacks. “I don’t know what you said or talked about with Alana, but like, thanks?” She says, and Cynthia looks between both of her kids. “Whatever you said to her made her feel better. She said that talking to you helped. So like, thanks for being a good friend to her,” Zoe shrugs, giving Connor an awkward half hug that she isn’t even sure Connor wanted, disappearing upstairs before Connor can say anything else.

He sees his mother’s glance, and can’t help but roll his eyes. “Maybe people aren’t so different from me,” He shrugs, and Cynthia smiles.

Because maybe this turning point was going to be the time where Connor realized that he isn’t alone in this, and there are people closer to him than he thinks that understand how he’s felt before.

Maybe that’s what he needs to see that he’s going to be okay, too.

**Author's Note:**

> i feel like connor and alana are an underrated friendship, so i wrote this because we could all use a little more of them in our lives! 
> 
> you can find me on tumblr if you'd like :) for-f0rever.tumblr.com 
> 
> thank you for reading! <3


End file.
